Speed Racer

If you have a faint eye for motion sickness, then skip this one. Worse than The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield, Speed Racer will set your head spinning. As a friend described to me, “This movie is like spending two hours in a slot machine.”

Matrix creators Andy and Larry Wachowski remake the classic anime TV series into a semi live-action mess. The characters talk and walk and race cars all with lavish, Candyland backdrops. The colors are so bright and over-the-top, you’ll wish you popped a couple aspirin before sitting down.

Talented young actor Emile Hirsch (brilliant in Into the Wild) looks bored playing the title character. Likewise for seasoned pros Susan Sarandon, John Goodman and Christina Ricci, who all suffer by uttering such lame dialogue, that even little kids may notice.

The plot? Who cares. If you’re watching this then you hopefully are bringing a much younger person with you. There’s no reason to put yourself through this headache, unless you bring someone who can mildly enjoy it. Kids will like it, and that’s good enough. For something you can both enjoy, take them to Iron Man. It’s a mild PG-13, no blood or harsh language, and no headache. D-