Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Here’s some good news: you don’t have to pay to see the new Transformers movie. Why? Because you can do it yourself at home, it just takes a little direction.

Here’s how. Get the youngest child you know (preferably age 3-7), and sit them down on the kitchen floor. Next, get a tween, middle school couple (preferably ages 12-15) and stand them next to the kid. Next, surround the kid with as many pots and pans as you can. Then, instruct the couple to start arguing about petty shit that doesn’t matter. Finally, tell the kid to bang away on the various cooking instruments and VOILA! you have the new Transformers movie.

That’s about as deep as this movie gets. Sure there are enough computer effects to make your head numb, but nothing you haven’t seen before. No, in fact, Michael Bay’s new film is easily one of the worst movies I have seen, of this or any year. There isn’t a stitch of substance to it.

Plot? Who cares. Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox run around the world with the "good" robots to try and stop the "bad" robots from taking over the world. Apparently, you see, the robots were on Earth way before us pesky humans, and they have hidden the top baddie (aka The Fallen) in an Egyptian pyramid. So, for the next two and a half hours you get enough horrible dialogue to fill dozens of mocking YouTube clips, more slow-mo action than a cartoon, and insanely offensive antics that, I guess, Bay finds funny.

Take, for instance, the way he first shows Fox. We pan from behind, moving in slowly on her rear end, hidden by short shorts, bent far over a motorcycle. What the hell is Michael Bay saying about the objectivity of women? Am I the only one that notices this? Next, take the two idiotic robots that talk in offensive, “ghetto” slang. Sure they’re funny, if you’re a moron.

The saddest part about this pointless franchise is that so many people go to see these films, so they aren’t going away anytime soon (although, Bay released a statement saying that he would not direct a Part 3). Regardless, there are plenty of other movies out there that can amuse you with effects (Up), give you better action (The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3), show you real human drama (Away We Go) or introduce you to a lifestyle you only thought you knew (Public Enemies).

Take your pick, but please, do yourself a favor and skip Transformers, a jumbled, incoherent, action-figure mess. F