Robin Hood

What you’ll get out of Robin Hood:

• Tested patience during the endless first hour
• Confused sensibilities by not understanding what the hell anyone is talking about
• Worthless political discussions
• Yet another Ridley Scott disappointment
• A shirtless, bulky, if not slightly chunky, Russell Crowe in at least one scene
• A bored Cate Blanchett
• An even more uninterested Max von Sydow
• Curiosity as to how old Max von Sydow really is
• A kick-ass, but brief, fight scene finale

What you won’t get out of Robin Hood:

• A coherent plot
• Any sense that Robin is a ‘hood’
• Hardly any mention of the Sheriff of Nottingham, who you thought was the main villain
• A single scene well-acted with conviction
• A decent action scene in the first two hours and 10 minutes
• A feeling of time well spent, knowing that the final battle was too little-too late
• A remote desire to see the sequel, which is shamelessly set up by the final title card
• A lasting thought in your head regarding this movie

What you should do with Robin Hood:

• Not see it…
• …because if you do, you’ll know it deserves a D