Drive Angry

Well here’s one for the books.

In Drive Angry, a movie that no one in their right, conscious mind would get any semblance of pleasure or enjoyment out of, Nicolas Cage, yet again, shows us how much fun he has at destroying whatever creditability may be left of his career.

As the movie rambles on, the characters talk using indecipherable dialogue wrapped aimlessly around not even the slightest shred of anything coming close to resembling a coherent plot.

From what I remember: Cage roams the Midwest in search of his granddaughter who has been kidnapped by devil worshippers. At some point, the devil’s “Accountant” shows up and tries to stop Cage, who is, I think, from Hell as well.

Oh yeah, and it’s in 3D, which means you can feel like more of an asshole for dishing out the extra dough.

Drive Angry is directed by Patrick Lussier, who made a name for himself as the editor of such modern masterpieces as D3: The Mighty Ducks and My Boss’s Daughter, before moving on to direct newly discovered classics like My Bloody Valentine and White Noise 2: The Light.  (Okay, to be fair, Lussier did edit all of the Scream films, and Red Eye, which I offer as a compliment.)

But after sitting through every painstaking minute of Drive Angry, it’s clear that Lussier hasn’t the faintest idea what the hell he is doing ; and, for once, movie going audiences seem to comprehend that. (Drive Angry only netted $5.1 million its opening weekend, making it nearly impossible to earn back its staggering $50 million budget.)

In a few short years, Nicolas Cage has phoned in more than a dozen roles, each one (somehow) worse than the one before. You have talent, dude, why don’t you challenge yourself?  It’s kind of like what Rashida Jones tells Jesse Eisenberg at the end of The Social Network: you’re not a bad actor, Nic.  You’re just trying so hard to be. F (but seriously, you already knew that).