Bad Teacher

It can be difficult to call a movie bad.  Most of the movies I’ve given a good thrashing to this year (Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Scream 4, Fast Five, The Hangover II)   have all cleared green in global box office numbers.  Hell, if Transformers: Dark of the Moon can land $400 million dollars in six days, the opinions of film critics are widely being considered as a mere afterthought (if they’re considered at all).

Other times, I’m sent nasty e-mails or left spiteful comments (both of which are welcome) for bashing films (The Green Hornet, Your Highness, Thor, X-Men: First Class) without considering that “they are only aiming to be simple crowd pleasers.”

So, those are the most common categories that films I loathe fall into: they either make money, or generate negative reader feedback, or both.

I mention this because Bad Teacher does not, in any way, fall into those categories.  It isn’t going to make money, and loyal readers aren’t going to disagree with me, simply because this film is an egregious waste of time.  Boring, slow and utterly absent minded.

If, for some incredibly unfortunate reason, you find yourself watching Bad Teacher, here’s a call sheet of a few things you’ll see Cameron Diaz’s character do: smoke pot incessantly, cut off a loaded school bus with her car, drink booze at her desk, demand bribes from the parents of her students, give her bra to a 12-year-old, tell her students to fuck themselves, remind her students that they’re worthless, coerce a government official, have her students cheat on a major test, and on and on.  To make matters worse, this is all being done for the noble cause of acquiring a new boob job.  If Diaz’s character can plant fresh knockers, you see, then she can land a wealthy suitor and not have to worry about a pesky job to provide for herself.

I know what you’re thinking.  Replace Cameron Diaz with Billy Bob Thornton, teacher with mall Santa, and boob job with mall heist, and you’ve got Bad Santa, one of the funniest, raunchiest movies made in the last decade.  But where Terry Zwigoff’s film succeeded (you know, by actually being funny, and having a true heart when appropriate) Bad Teacher falls miserably flat. It's raunchiness isn't so over the top that we're forced to laugh, it's just plain dumb.

I could go on and on about how bad this film is.  About how the talents of Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel and Eric Stonestreet (who recently won an Emmy for playing Cameron on Modern Family) aren’t even remotely tapped into, but I’ve already used up too much of your time.  Bad Teacher is 92 minutes long and feels like an eternity.  It’s simple: just stay away.  F

(Note: for the record, nasty e-mails and harsh comments concerning posts on this blog are always welcome.  I'm not here to agree with you, so feel free to call me out on it.)