Movies like Piranha
3DD are a perfect reminder as to why I love movies. The old maxim states
that we’re only fully able to appreciate sunny days because of the rainy ones.
It’s the whole joy wouldn’t feel so good
if it wasn’t for pain argument. Well, that’s exactly what Piranha 3DD is: pain. It’s a disastrous,
God-awful abomination of a film that in no way deserves to be classified as
anything other than that. In fact, calling it a “film” is to degrade any other
form of art that is fit to be classified as such. Piranha 3DD isn’t a film, it’s 83 minutes of walking, talking,
cold, dark, runny baby shit. But it also makes me appreciate virtually every other
film I’ve ever seen. So, you know… thanks?
Piranha 3DD is the
sequel to the genuinely entertaining Piranha
3D from two summers ago. Yes, I enjoyed Piranha
3D, particularly that it knew exactly what kind of film it was. It never
pretended to be more than Girls Gone Wild (with Killer Fish). It was absurd and
loud and fun, and I dug it. I saw it once and once was enough.
And that is precisely where Piranha 3DD goes wrong. From frame one, it isn’t going for the “so
bad it’s good” vibe of its predecessor, instead, it begs to be taken seriously.
It takes fun completely out of the equation and longs to be considered a
serious science fiction film, which is fucking nonsense.
You know, thinking back, I could have this wrong. Maybe
director John Gulager and his five writers actually do consider their film to be a romp sendup, and honestly, if that
is the case, then Piranha 3DD fails
even harder. So, basically, any way you look at it, this is a movie that will
amount to nothing more than wasted time and a ceaselessly shaken head.
Because of its inventive marketing campaign (the film was mass
released on video on demand and online before it hit theaters, and in 3D, no
less) Piranha 3DD is readily available
for those hopeless enough to be interested. I’m not even going to go into the
shit that happens in the movie, because I risk making the film sound crude in
that “hip” sort of way.
No, there’s nothing fun or hip about it. It isn’t so bad it’s
good, hell, it isn’t even so bad it’s bad. It’s simply a boring, atrocious waste
of time, money, and self worth. F
Sooo... You didn't like it? :-)
ReplyDeleteHmm... Maybe it was just missing Jerry O'Connell's severed dick? If this movie doesn't have that, then well, what does it really have to offer?
EXACTLY! There is a severed dick in this one too, naturally. But it isn't nearly as epic as O'Connell's. Such a shame.
DeleteI heard the film opened with a Gary Busey cameo that turned out to be a major disappointment. If it is, why in the hell did you waste Gary Busey of all people?
ReplyDeleteDude, it was disappointment personified. Busey should've starred in the damn thing, but they reduced him to a worthless cameo. No class.
DeleteWoah this looks like truly awful movie, I found the first film to be silly fun but I have no intention of seeing this one. You make a great point - we need shit like that to appreciate better films.
ReplyDeleteUgh, it is so awful. Sure, it helps balance out the rest, but this was just plain goddamn torture to sit through.
DeleteI hadn't seen any of them but at least I'll know to definitely count this one out! Haha sounds terrible, thanks for saving us from watching it ;)
ReplyDeleteha, my pleasure man. Awful film.
DeleteSo it definitely doesn't even fall into the 'so bad it's good' category of films? Just plain bad? hahahaha
ReplyDeleteNope, not at all. I can occasionally vibe with the "so bad it's good" thing. But this is not that. At all.
DeleteI get that a lot of people are defending this movie because it's exactly what they expected, but does that really justify anything when you have a piece of crap movie like this?? I mean Piranha 3D was no masterpiece by any means, but it sure as hell looks like one now. Good review Alex.
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY! Ugh, what a seriously disastrous followup to a seriously fun, trashy film.
DeleteHeard enough bad things about this film to put me off seeing it if only for titillation! :)
ReplyDelete...not only is it obviously bad but it has one of the worst titles I have ever seen.
Soooo bad Dan. Stay away, stay very very away.
Delete